Recently we have been hearing and reading about emotional intelligence and the importance of it in the success or failure of our lives. How important is emotional intelligence and what does it really mean? Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage our emotions. Being aware of what makes me happy, excited, feel alive and purposeful and what gets me stressed, angry, panicked, and anxiuos and are all part of being aware of my emotions.


Each one of us has unique emotional patterns that impact our daily lives. Yet the awareness around these emotional patterns is a complete missing. A person who is highly aware of their emotional mind mapping has a high emotional intelligence. They know what triggers them and what doesn’t. They are likely to be more successful in their lives over someone who isn’t aware of their emotional patterns and self sabotaging behaviours.


Emotional patterns start forming in early childhood and leave a lasting impression on our lives. At birth we know no fear. Only love, joy and being authentic are the ways of being. When a child is hungry or feeling uncomfortable she cries, when feeling loved and safe she laughs with joy. There are no pretenses of suppressing or denying our feelings for the sake of looking good to impress others. The distortions in behaviour start showing up as we grow into adulthood and life starts looking like a daily struggle.


From childhood, as we grow, we experience the realities of life, firstly with our “Unconscious” parents, and siblings and later on with “Unconscious” school teachers . Each emotional experience impacts the other and creating experiences that are both pleasant and unpleasant in our lives. We as children learn to survive these conditions by taking on ways of behaviours that make us survive our game and keep us safe.


For example in childhood you have a parent that fights with the other, the child tries to intervene to stop the fight. The parent unconsciously, lashes out at the child and tells her, stay out of it! The child makes it mean that she must stay silent and only observe as speaking out isn’t safe .The emotional pattern that gets recorded is one of being silent as speaking out is dangerous. Each time this child is present to a fight, her mind’s reaction goes into silent mode. A pattern starts forming and this works it way into university and the work place. The boss maybe wanting clarity on a particular matter yet the person chooses to keep quiet as it’s not safe to speak out. This way of being will impact her success at work and cause stress both to the boss and herself. Each one of us carry many such blindspots. Each negative experience in childhood gets stored in our subconscious mind. It is recorded and plays out each time a similar situation occurs. Our conscious mind is not aware of it.


Some of the common learnt behaviours are being controlling, aggression, passive aggression, shyness, keeping quiet, being a bully, being ahead of the rest, righteous, competitive, lying and manipulating, I have all the answers etc

As we   go into the work place, we experience clashes and loss of power because of these very patterns that serves us in childhood and kept us safe, yet as adults they are counter productive. As we look to expand our game in life by taking on a family, we need to be more aware of our self – sabotaging patterns. They limit us. What are they and where did they originate from? Once we recognize these patterns, we have power over them, they don’t have power over us.


The state that individuals find themselves with no awareness of their emotional intelligence is called the 3rd dimensional state. This work of taking on your negative patterns with the help of a professional is called process work or the 4th dimentional state. Emotions are deep seated in our subconscious minds, in layers. With every effort made to take on your emotional layer, with a trained professional, you will experience your outer world shifting. From a life of struggle to a life of flow. From a life of stress and anxiety to a life of joy and fulfillment start to show up invariably.


The crossing over from the 3rd dimensional state of non-self awareness through process work with a trained professional is the 4th dimension. The state where the past patterns have been dealt with and you have new empowering patterns and there is full self expression, freedom, fulfillment and happiness is called the 5th dimensional state. The more freedom of self expression you have in your life, the greater is success you experience,both at the work place and at home Ntich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist author says ,“ The amount of happiness that you have in your life depends upon the freedom you have in your heart”.


The sacred journey for each and everyone of us to make is the crossing over from 3rd dimension of non-self awareness into the 5th dimension of living a life full of possibilities and success to living a life of greatness we were born to live.


Sippy is a life coach based in Nairobi. info@sippychadha.com


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